Who's In Charge of Who?

4 May, 2013

When persistent patterns and 'stuckness' come up at the most inopportune moments, what can we do about it?

I was listening to Hay House Radio online yesterday whilst doing some household chores and heard Cheryl Richardson, the weekly 'coach on call'. She received a call from a woman who had decided that she had a 'fear of success'. When Cheryl questioned her a little more to find how how she had reached this conclusion, she found out some interesting information and made some important points, which reminded me of a few things I had forgotten, and caused me to be reflective.

The woman had based this conclusion on having had an experience with a boss who had been demanding, had shouted at her, and the situation had eventually resulted in her losing her job. Cheryl pointed out that this looked like more of a shame experience than 'fear of success' and asked the woman to close her eyes, there and then, and ask her unconscious mind to give her the first number it could think of that represented a time in her childhood where she'd had that very same feeling. The woman said 7 years old, and the memory was very clear to her.

For those of you that have had private sessions with us will recognise this as the beginning of Time Line Therapy, or a regression technique; powerful and fast methods to clear old, stuck feelings/limiting beliefs from the past. These present themselves in challenging times - sometimes at the most inopportune moments - and demand to be dealt with and let go of.

Cheryl reminded us of this: only the first five minutes of any reaction is the true reaction. Any reaction that goes on longer than this, is a past pattern popping up demanding that we pay attention. She says it is almost always from childhood, but I don't fully agree, I think it can be any significant past experience.

Every day life offers us a variety of challenging situations that can serve as triggers for our 'old stuff'. The question is, how often do we pay attention and use these situations as an opportunity for addressing and clearing our past baggage?

There are two main things that stop us:

  • The blame game: It's much easier to make it the other person's fault - "I wouldn't be feeling like this if it weren't for them", "no one else pushes my buttons like this" or "they need to change to make me feel better". How often do we fall into these traps in our relationships? Of course, sometimes when someone changes it does make us feel better. And, it's only half the equation, isn't it? If one person brings it out in you can be sure someone else will sooner or later.
  • Denial: It's much easier to attribute a negative feeling to a variety of other factors, rather than taking ownership and dealing with it ourselves. We find reasons not to take on the challenge and address it, because, well, it's pretty hard isn't it? Hard work and we are never certain what the result is going to be.

So, what's the best we can do?

  • Take personal ownership: At the end of the day, we are responsible for our own selves; emotions, behaviours, thoughts, reactions. No one can make you feel anything in your brain and body. Own your own mistakes and reactions as yours alone - it's much more empowering in the end as it puts you back in the driver's seat.
  • Address it: Whatever comes up for you persistently, needs to be addressed. You can move on to a different husband or a new job, and sometimes these changes are absolutely necessary (e.g. you wouldn't want to stay in an abusive relationship or a disempowering job). And, you will always take you with you wherever you go. It's great that our unconscious presents our 'stuff' right at the time we are ready to deal with it, so take the opportunity for growth.
  • Aim to do better next time: This is all anyone of us can do. Own your own reactions, mistakes, and make a deal with yourself to self-improve, and do better next time.

As always, I am interested in your experiences and thoughts. Let's chat. Love, Charlotte.

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